17 Years

I’m sure to most, 17 years can heal a lot of heartache. And, it does. You get better with time. You get better with going on throughout your days. However, for me, I’ve analyzed how this day has affected me these past 17 years and I can definitely say that my heart is and will always be guarded from people.

Throughout the years, you’ve heard me talk about my younger sister’s untimely death. How on Valentine’s Day in 1995, her 17 year old boyfriend broke into our home and shot and killed her. Why? All because she wanted to be away from him. She was just into her 16th year of life, and now, she is gone. No prom, no senior pictures, no graduation, no marriage, nothing.

It seems as if almost weekly I am hearing another story on the news where a husband kills a wife, or a person goes missing – and the spouse is acting suspicious. I honestly still, to this day, cannot understand why a person feels this is their only way out. If the divorce rate is so damned high, why do people feel that hurting someone or killing them is the only answer to their problems? Hell, I even look at divorced people I know, and how they are still feeling the heartache because the two can’t be civil and go and live their lives the way they wanted to when they wanted out of the marriage. But, seriously, it all really just has built up a huge barrier on my heart.

Humankind is gone. It’s a rare thing out there. People are naturally becoming more and more selfish and it’s all about what can you do for them to get ahead in the world. It’s hardened my heart. This boy, Jason, 17 years ago, he opened a wound that wasn’t healed. The wound of losing my father less than two years prior to cancer. And, to this day, 17 years later, I am reminded of how much I keep closed off in my world.

I meet amazing people in my job. But, I think that’s what I enjoy about what I do. It’s like a glimmer into what could be. A family that is happy, a young person who has their whole life ahead of them. Things that I miss. I can keep a safe distance, and cherish what they are feeling without fear of being in that hurtful place again. They are so lucky. I just want them to know it. I want them to realize how lucky they are when they look at their photos. I want them to feel joy in 17 years.