This post has been in draft mode for a few weeks. Share it? Meh.
Then, I decided, I probably should. In the past, my experience has shown me that when I open up and share something, someone usually emails me and tells me they are going through the same thing. It’s a bit hard to put your feelings and such out there in the open. I don’t tell a lot of people a lot of things. In other words, I pick my friends very carefully.
I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. For the past few days so many things have been welling up inside of me. Turning 38, the bank account appearing to shrink, starting Inside the Locker…I could go on and on. I was watching Bethenny Ever After the other night – the season finale. As I watched this, I realized that I get overwhelming feelings of jealousy and anger when I see others make their dreams come true (while I am not).
I caught myself feeling so jealous of her. I mean, here is this woman that is such a strong role model for women. She goes after her dreams, she has a loving family, and she is successful. Her tears at the end of the show, about how she can’t believe this is all happening to her. Well, EFF YOU!
Yep, that’s how I felt. I’ve since come around. I am happy for her.
Do you ever feel like this? I believe I feel this way more often than I feel happy for the person. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate them, and I believe that deep down I really am happy for them. Let’s face it, hearing of small business success is good news. If anything, it should make me feel encouraged. However, that little devil on my shoulder is saying to me, “let’s smack that bitch!” Don’t worry, I would NEVER do that!
And, then, it sorta hit me. The feelings of not feeling successful were just that, feelings “I” was having. They weren’t even validated to tell you the truth. I made this thing up in my head that everything has to be and HAD to be a certain way for me. That would then result in success. But, what I made up in my head and reality…well, they are two different things.
Just because so-in-so is saying they are SOOOO BUSY and up ALL NIGHT EDITING, doesn’t mean they are really BUSY. It’s busy for THEM! Maybe it’s one session a week. Maybe they aren’t charging yet? I was reading into a lot. I mean, how DARE that person be more successful than me! It’s not fair! <–I was thinking to myself.
It amazes me how open-minded I can become when I just read all the signs. And, let me tell you, they were flying at me. How we measure our success can make or break your attitude. I have decided to reset my goals. Change things around. Not expect so much and not put so much pressure on myself. I don’t have to listen to what others tell me I should be doing or what I should be charging. I don’t have to compare myself to what others are doing and how they are being successful while I’m feeling like garbage.
I want to take pictures, but I don’t have to put so much pressure on myself to fly out of the gate, expecting to be a millionaire. Yes, I did work super hard last year and felt like I didn’t get the return on my investment I should have. But, I also made mistakes along the way and I have learned from those. I am not perfect. It’s taken 38 years of my life to realize I don’t have to be the best to others, I have to be the best to myself.
This spring, I have shot two sessions at no cost to the subject. NONE. They were for me. Okay, maybe they were for them too as I am giving them their images. It ignited a love for what I am doing again. They were for my creative soul. I missed that. So, now, I go into this with a different head, a different attitude, new friends who are there to talk to. I believe this will change everything – in what way, I’m not sure. I believe my fresh outlook and my lesser expectations will help me.
Yes, my epiphany will now help me be happy for others, and enjoy my career again.
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With all that said above, I am opening up to shooting again. Shooting seniors. Yes, it’s time to really just specialize. My website is up and live. While I will honor other types of photography inquiries, I may not guarantee that I can assist you with them. However, I am more than happy to refer you to some of my favorite photographers in town that can meet those needs. Past clients are always welcome to contact me with their needs.
And, because no post is complete without a photo – here’s some love from Lola:
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Jill F - Thank you. From somebody just starting up-or rather trying to start up-yours was a very uplifting post! I like the idea of doing shoots for you (and obviously your models get benefitted, too). I think I’ll try this, maybe that’ll kick start a few things. Again, thanks, and good luck
And by the way? Your shots are breath taking.
Jill
p.s. I, too, am jealous of Bethenny!
Kellie Elmore - Holly, thanks for sharing this. You are not alone. I feel like this alot. Really. It is hard not to see someone else’s success and feel jealous sometimes. Like, what am I doing wrong? I go through times with our photography business when I just feel like what the hell is it all for? I really try to calm down, take a step back, and say, am I doing something I love? Yes. Did I do the best possible job I could do for our customers? Yes. Am I continuing to always learn and grow and master my skill? Yes. Well, then if we are not always as busy as we want to be or should be, then so be it. If we get a $100 order instead of a $500.00 order, well there is nothing I can do about it.
I am glad that you are finding your passion again. And, I love that you shared this with all of us. You are NOT alone.
Monique - First off, I want to say it takes a lot of courage to stand up and admit you are or have been jealous of someone else’s success so major kudos to you. Secondly, if I may say it, I think you have taken one huge step forward in recognizing that success can only be measured by you, not against what others do.
I am excited to hear that you reignited your love of photography. Personally, I think you are fantastic and if I knew anyone in St. Louis, I would have recommended you to them.
So, good on you and hope to see many more beautiful photos posted here and other places to ooooh and aaaah over.
kim weiss - So glad to read you are shooting again, Holly! Kudos to you for being so open & honest!
Kathleen Ferrari - I feel the same. Disappointed that thing have not gone the direction I was hoping for. Thanks for putting yourself out there. “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagained. s you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” Thoreau
Tonya Holsey - I really want to thank you for writing this. Because for so long I have been jealous of YOU! When asked who my favorite photographer is I say you. Not simply because of your shooting style or your editing but for the way you run your business(es) and the way you do so in an amazingly professional manner. For you to write this and show you are human too it really makes me love everything about you more! Thanks a lot
Kelly Mantia - Wonderful post. I can totally relate! I’m just starting out, slowly at my own pace. I feel pressure to have all of my photos look PROFESSIONAL. I feel as though I should know how to start and run a business overnight while at the same time working full-time. I find inspiration in YOU!! Keep up the good work!
Tish C Hill - Wow…I was browsing your blog and had stopped to think…”Wow, this Holly chick is so smart and shares so much info with me and others. I want to be like that someday.” And then I read this post and totally related. I am 36. From the time I was little I wanted to be an artist and I would tell people that one day I will become a full time artist. And they would say “Oh, what do you do?” and I would grin and say “I have no idea – I haven’t found my medium yet.” This past year I realized that photography is my medium and I’m going for it! I love your photography and look forward to seeing more!